Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Fog [300 word story final]

He woke up invisible. It was more than simply disappearing from sight, however. He could not be heard, he could not be smelled, he could not be touched. Truly invisible. But for the first time in his life he felt whole, calm, aware. The thick swirl of thoughts that had plagued him for years was gone, replaced by a pleasant distant echo, like raindrops in a cave. Like a branch crackling in the woods. Peaceful.

He sat up in his bed, except he didn’t move how a body moved, he moved how a fog moves, docile but brooding, stoic and unnerving. The feeling was natural, as if the fog had always been within him. Peaceful.

Flowing from under sheets, along dusty wooden floors, under cracks of closed doors, between drifting cars, through branches of great pines, above the people he used to know. The heightened sense of awareness, coupled with his newly sterilized mind, allowed him a new perspective on all of these surrounding objects. He was a part of them all. He had a place as they did, all turning together like gears inside a great clock. Peaceful.

Suddenly, her voice seethed into him, drowning out every thought in a pool of caustic reverberation. The peaceful raindrops and branches were displaced by sharp hot flashes of panic and the engulfing mouth of dark. The feeling of death.

When he opened his eyes, he was in her room. Illuminated by the gray twilight of fall, he saw pages of journals strewn across the floor, torn in a fever from their spine. He saw familiar photos of people he knew, loved. A mirror with a cobweb shatter, bloodied bandages and crumpled tissues, and her.

He was no longer the brooding, stoic fog. Instead, he had evaporated into the stagnant air of depression, the brackish weight of a memory.

Peaceful.

8 comments:

Josh said...

All the description is still really good, and confirming that he is a memory clarifies the ending.

Alisha said...

First of all, I really like the repetition of the word "peaceful" throughout the whole story. To me, it seemed like that word brought the reader back to what's happening. Kind of like all of the descriptions pinpoint a different kind of peace. I liked it.

I also still really like the "raindrops in a cave" part. And I'm still drawn to the "heightened sense of awareness."

And though this guy still doesn't have a name, I don't think it's a significant detail of the story so...yeah.

I really like how the end makes you see that he is indeed a memory and the last "peaceful" ties all the other ones up. Well, that's how I saw it at least.

Great job.

Cheree said...

Your imagery is fabulous... it connects him to the peaceful things on earth. The ending is sudden and unexpected... but that's a good thing :)I love how the reader knows what you are talking about, but you never really come out and bluntly say it. Nice job.

Melody_Anderson said...

sometimes i think u try to hard. but its all good

AnnieD said...

great description. it really reaches out emotionally. I like "replaced by a pleasant distant echo." it really points out what a memory feels like.

good job!

LazyRebel said...

you have amazing metaphors. i didn't even realize my mouth was open until i pushed the comment button, haha. sorry my comment isn't very long but your story is still processing...partially because it's amazing, partially because i'm sleepy.

Rebecca said...

Th description was wonderful. i loved how you wrote this. it is so strong. and peacefull was repeted across the whole thing which was good.

very good job!

LazyRebel said...

oh, and you need to go comment my new version cause you give nifty comments.