Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Fog [300 word story]

He woke up invisible. It was more than simply disappearing from sight, however. He could not be heard, he could not be smelled, he could not be touched. Truly invisible. But for the first time in his life he felt whole, calm, aware. The thick swirl of thoughts that had plagued him for years was gone, replaced by a pleasant distant echo, like raindrops in a cave. Like a branch crackling in the woods. Peaceful.

He sat up in his bed, except he didn’t move how a body moved, he moved how the fog moves, docile but brooding, stoic and unnerving. The feeling was natural, as if the fog had always been within him.

Flowing from under sheets, along dusty wooden floors, under cracks of closed doors, between drifting cars, through branches of great pines, above the people he used to know. The heightened sense of awareness, coupled with his newly sterilized mind, allowed him a new perspective on these. He was a part of them all. He had a place as they did, all turning together like gears inside a great clock. Peaceful.

Suddenly, her voice seethed into him, drowning out every thought in a pool of caustic reverberation. The peaceful raindrops and branches displaced by sharp hot flashes of panic and the engulfing mouth of dark. The feeling of death.

When he opened his eyes, he was in her room. Illuminated by the gray twilight of fall, he saw pages of journals strewn across the floor, torn in a fever from their spine. He saw familiar photos of people he knew, loved. A mirror with a cobweb shatter, bloodied bandages and crumpled tissues, and her.

He became locked to this scene. No longer the fog, but the stagnant air of depression. He would always be in her memory.


Austin said...

im not sure if i completely understand this one. but i like it a lot still, i think that its one of those ones that gets better and better each time you read it. nice job!

mimi said...

This is genius! The mysterious tone of the story really keeps readers interested. I love your description of how the character felt,it really sets the mood. Your diction is very impressive.

Alisha said...

Before I comment on anything else, I want to say that the second sentence in the third paragraph reminds me of a scene or two in the movie 300. Probably because one of the lines is similar to it, but my point is that it's really great.

I love the sentence "The thick swirl of thoughts that had plagued him for years was gone, replaced by a pleasant distant echo, like raindrops in a cave." especially because of the last part. It really gives that emphasis or image of how quiet it would be in a cave and the sort of softly disturbance of those raindrops.

I know we're supposed to be working on how well we know the character and this guy doesn't seem have a name, but I don't think it really matters all that much because it's really well-written.

And so I ruin this comment just like my others in previous work with overused compliments, but...great job.

Josh said...

All of the description really helps us understand the character. I don't understand much of the story except that he is either dead or dreaming.

If you want to get more of the story across, you are going to have to remove some of the description, which may ruin the story, because it is so good.

sarah said...

There is some great character development/ description in here! My favorite being the references to the rain drops and branches. My only suggestion would be to re-word/organize this part:"He sat up in his bed, except he didn’t move how a body moved,..." It didn't flow quite right, so maybe just cut the "except he" part..I don't know just a suggestion.Nice job once again!

LazyRebel said...

i'm not sure why, but the phrase "above the people he used to know" really stuck with me. i like how you changed how he feels in the beginning but still used the cobweb reference towards the end. i'm not sure, but i think i'm starting to understand what you were saying. you are a literary mastermind.