Sunday, September 30, 2007

48 seconds [final version]

it's between the second chorus and the
final verse in your room on top of sheets
with the faint sound of summer explosions dulled by thick walls
that i look across
my body and over to

you're nearing sleep
it's beautiful
trees after a mid day storm beautiful
the moon blushing from the pull of the earth beautiful
the sky getting lighter at 4 am beautiful

and i realize that you have lungs that are taking in oxygen that moves into blood cells that surge through veins pumped by a heart in the center of your chest that creates rhythms of warmth in the melodic fingers resting on my stomach and you have songwriter skin that is feeling the world around you and neurons in your brain that are firing off a thousand thoughts every second in chaotic symphony and acoustic eyes that see things in ways i can never understand

and they are all slowly
and disappearing
with every chorus
with every thick summer explosion
with every mid day storm
with every blushing moon
with every 4 am
with every heartbeat

but for now you're willing to let that happen

it's 48 seconds


Cheree said...

First off, 48 is my favorite number so that part is perfect. Second, Your use of repetition of earlier word choice creates a great conclusion to your poem. And I love the word explosion. It's a good image.

Melody_Anderson said...

wow great work i love how u took out those really big harder words and put in sum still big. but better words lol...i kno that doesn't make sence..that is a really great poem tho. love it.

sarah said...

I noticed:
-the repetitive "with every" at the end
-how you flipped around some of the sentences in the first and second stanzas
- there was also couple of words that changed like "songwriter" and "chaotic symphony" ( definetly adds dimension to the poem ..I really like them) Nice work!

Josh said...

"with every chorus
with every thick summer explosion
with every mid day storm
with every blushing moon
with every 4 am
with every heartbeat"
Adding that really gives more power to that section of the poem. Good work.

Alisha said...

The beginning is still awesome, just so you know.

I really like the addition of the moon blushing line. It goes well with the rest of that stanza.

That really descriptive part that everyone goes crazy about with the neurons and everything is quite different. It still has those physical images but you added more, well, sort of musical description or...something.

Good job.

AnnieD said...

I like that you decided to put the word beautiful on the same line as "trees after a mid..." etc. but then it is on a line of it's own at the end. I also like how you added each of the moments that are "slowly fading"

mimi said...

I notice that you used even more details in this version. The way you use certain phrases repetitively emphasizes the point that you're trying to make. Good job!

robyn said...

You really are a great writer, you emphasized the whole "eroding" part. That was awesome. and the 48 is perfect. and the new words you used for describing like "songwriter" and "symphony" really give life to the poem.

Rebecca said...

Explosion was a good descritive word.
'and they are all slowly fading eroding with every chorus...'
that was something new you added and it was very good. listing off everything like that. very good, much more descriptive verson.