i've been obsessing over the brains chemical cycle

and how it rockets and dives in bright violence

every time we orgasm

and how i pile these peaks and valleys on one another

creating a jagged landscape in my mind

rocky harrowing heights for a synapse to climb

and then a 500 meter drop off for my thoughts to falter off

off

off

off

and so it makes it feel all the worse when i get off in the shower

my stomach glowing red and little beads of sweat gathering

at the edge of where my forehead meets hair

and i can't quite remember if i said your name out loud when i climaxed

to feel the chemicals drag me down the drain

to watch half myself go down the drain

every time i get off

off

off

off

megan makes me wonder what it means to get this off my chest

and where all my anxities go when i pour them out onto paper or through keys

does she absorb me when she reads me? does whitney still cry?

does my mom have this page bookmarked as a way to try and get close to me?

how come i can only write about women? i need to turn my libido off

off

off

off

i guess this is me trailing off

i miss jackson and his slender frame and awkward elbows

and the way he made me feel like a central character in anything

and he was a cronie and a sidekick and more trustworthy and reliable then i ever

allowed him to be

nostalgia for a seattle summer and walking down to the fishery building

for creative writing and then loud laughs on the walk home

how often did i split off

off

off

off

guess i am trailing off now