Dream Journal 6

i have decided to move in with jackson and go to an art school with him. except jackson is played by joe delgehausen in my dream. arty funkhouser is his dad, and some attractive older woman is playing the role of jacksons/joes mom.

when i first am going to school i have a hard time finding the right bus. i need to be a\on bus route 6. eventually i find it and get on, paul is on the bus and goes to school there too which is exciting. i sit nexzt to him on the bus after he moves a bunch of his stfuff out of the way. the bus driver i dont really trust but it may have been because he was black and homeless looking. well i trusted him, he just had me feeling uneasy. he was very blunt.

when we get to school we go to our english classroom that is taught by andy meyer. we start to rearrange desks so that i can sit near paul. some girl asks if i am british for some reason and i say no. we end up sitting near her, she is short and round with pudgy features and the qualities of a girl who loves english class when no one else does. sorry anyone who loves english class and is in great shape.

as class begins i get a super runny nose and a cough. andy meyer says something to paul about good job for getting me here, but that he doesnt think i really belong. as if i wont be writing well enough about the prompts. as class is going my nose starts running worse and worse and im wiping it with my sleeve. i go to take a drink of water but there are little swirls of brown specks in my bottle which apparently got in through my desk. like the contamination jumped from desk to bottle. the same thing happens to the girl behind me who asked if i was from britain. i go home.

when i get home i am talking with jacksons mom and dad who are also josephs mom and dad at the same time. i go back and forth in my mind about whose parents they are over the course of the dream. as we are talking about school, jacksons mom lays on her belly and faces me, her low shirt exposing a lot of cleavage. i try my best to keep eye contact with her or look at other things. jacksons dad points out that they have a trumpet and a saxaphone there and if i play i should go for it. i say i used to play but not anymore, afterall the trumpet doesnt have any, any, uhh

here i make a hand motion as if playing a trumpet

"plungers" says jacksons as he walks through the door. im glad he is there so we can leave the awkward situation. we go to buy some food from a stand like were at a sporting event at a stadium. on the way there i bring up his mothers seductive attitude and how it puts me in a weird position. also i suddenly have a video of her on my cell phone doing a sexual grind dance in their backyard. jackson says its fine and laughs it off and to not worry about. its very comforting

now we go back to the house and i begin working on our first assignment. i have to relate the events in the first chapter of a book to my life somehow. all i can do at first is make a short list of things that correspond. i cant remember what they are now. i think this part of the dream ends with me staring at it, fearing having to do more.

there was another part to my dream that was a lot weirder. it involved a giant slug being hunted down by me like moby dick in the ocean. and then it froze and we were on ice and foot. then i got frustrated and changed the scale of both of us so i was normal sized and the slug was the size of a cat. i shot a harpoon at it but i think it missed and it got away. i also think the setting changed from the wide open seas to the guest room in my house before my brother moved in there. this is a short version because i remember way less details or timeline. and it isnt very interesting.

i woke up

For Ema [ver 5]

hidden pink lungs expanding with each new breath, secretly
contracting with each
exhalation
visible in the algid atmosphere
ten thousand years ago from ten thousand other lungs
being born again
in ten thousand mighty Montereys
full of creation

timber in the fire that you've made
burns for comfort and for vision and for love
it must split and crack
a persistent percussion playing off the pines
you finger a fallen cone from a nearby bough
then drop it into the flames
expanding and releasing its seeds
bringing warmth and sound to the
cold quiet forest

illuminating

looming furrowed trunks extend into the night
rough bark expanding with age
with grace and wisdom
creating little pockets
little seams for winter's snow to settle
before falling into fire's flickering light
to make a ritual
a spectacle of dancing crystal

under foot you feel the fertile earth
in motion on the shoulders of atlas
land shifting with heavy moans and sighs
soft soil fissures into slivers
the sea spills in and fills the streams
full of creation

clouds haunt the skies for miles in all directions
blanketing the woods and blanketing you
starving the woods and starving you
your eyes turn up, searching for heaven's glow
the dark stares back

then
a break, a crease
they split open the way you have
exposing the universe
exposing your universe
bare and powerful
full of creation

Dream Journal 5

i am an altar boy for some man's wedding. someone religious that i know like maybe james hersch. i am up there at the front with him, the soon to be wife, preacher, and his son but it isnt jon. we are standing on what seems to be a water bed like surface. we are going through practice rehearsals inside when we notice it is raining super hard outside. as we keep looking out the window it gets worse and worse until we stop rehearsing. then the waves start crashing against the window and the building begins to move. our feet lose grip on the water bed surface and we are slamming into walls. eventually the entire building detaches and we are floating away, the house spinning and flipping.

i wake up, it has only been a dream. i want to call whitney to tell her that in my dream, my last thought was of her. i get out of bed and notice my underpants are damp and that i have a pizza box on around them. i am not sure if i was sweating a lot or of i pissed myself from the terror of almost dying. i stumble to a bathroom and my eyes dont work right and are unfocused. im walking like im drunk, eventually finding the bathroom. i take off the pizza box and use the bathroom. i go and get changed and head to the wedding rehearsal. before i get there i stop in a living room and start to talk with my cousin about some promo cd he is selling of his for 5 dollars. he plays me a song that is alright and i look at the cd. i think he does a Panda Bear cover but my eyes arent working right yet and it really says Robert Bear, a bearded classic rock guitarist from the 70s. i am much less impressed. i eventually leave.

when i get there and take my place at the front james asks me to go and sit with my family and i do not belong up there. so i do and he asks if i have been blessed yet as i leave and i say no i have not. when i sit down next to my mom i take a bottle out of my jacket pocket and pour some in my hand, it steams and hisses, and i rub it on my face and pour it on my head. i decide i cant stay at the wedding so i go to leave and get on an elevator out of the building.



next i am in a prison with an orange jumpsuit on. i am there because i used the elevator which turned out to be illegal for a reason i cant remember. i also realize that i am on a mission to kill a boy but cant remember who ordered me to. as i am sitting in prison Paul comes and visits me and talks about what i will do now and i say im just happy sitting in prison and biding my time until i get out and can hunt that boy down. somehow i lose this train of thought as paul leaves and i walk out the front door with him, no one stops him.

we start to run once we get a little ways away from the building but paul is a lot faster than me and pulls away easily. for some reason i have a life preserver around my neck that is huge and heavy and slows me down but i am too afraid to take it off and leave it on the ground since it would provide a trail of evidence for anyone chasing us. i catch up to paul as we are walking through a greek row of some college campus and all the buildings are huge and church like. beautiful teens are everywhere playing games. paul remarks that someones girlfriend's mom is over there and she is really hot.

we get into another elevator at some point and start to go down in it. other people come in and as it reaches each floor this girl asks if we can hold the door for a few minutes as she uses the bathroom. the asian girl next to me is upset by this but doesn't say anything. paul and i get off at this floor anyways and start to use the staircase. as we are walking down (i am now in street clothes) i can hear a disembodied voice speaking a review of an album paul and i have made and it is like the review for wolf parade. we both have our own personal styles but they blend well.

as we exist the door at the bottom of the stairs paul is now my older friend kyle janssen and as we are running through the campus at night, i notice a lost cell phone. i stop to pick it up just in case. as we continue running we come upon a group of cops arresting some kid. they ask for his license and i am afraid they will ask for mine and realize who i am. i walk up to an officer and tell him about the lost cell phone, he takes it and i thank him. he doesn't suspect i escaped prison. i start to run to catch up with kyle and accidentally bump another cop as i run past, i apologize but he thinks nothing of it.

i escape.

i wake up.

For Ema [ver 4]

hidden pink lungs expanding with each
new breath, secretly contracting with each exhalation
visible in the algid atmosphere from ten thousand
years ago and from ten thousand other lungs
being born again
in ten thousand mighty pines
full of creation

timber in the fire that you've made
burns for comfort and for vision and for love
it must split and crack
a persistent percussion playing off the pines
flames bringing warmth and sound to the
cold quiet forest

illuminating

looming furrowed pines
rough bark expanding with age
with grace and wisdom
creating little pockets
little seams for winter's snow to settle
before falling into fire's flickering light
to make a ritual
a spectacle of dancing crystal

under foot you feel the fertile earth
in motion on the shoulders of atlas
land shifting with heavy moans and sighs
soft soil fissures into slivers
the sea spills in and fills the streams
full of creation

clouds haunt the skies for miles in all directions
blanketing the woods and blanketing you
starving the woods and starving you
your eyes turn up, searching for heaven's glow
the dark stares back

then
a break, a crease
they split open up the way you have
exposing the universe
exposing your universe
bare and powerful
full of creation

For Ema [ver 3]

pink fleshy lungs expanding with each
new breath, contracting with each visible exhalation
into the smoke filled atmosphere from ten thousand
years ago and from ten thousand other lungs
being born again
in ten thousand mighty pines
full of creation

each log in the fire
burning for comfort or for laughs or for love
must split and crack
a persistent percussion playing off the pines
flames bringing warmth and sound to the
cold quiet forest

illuminating

towering furrowed pines
rough bark expanding with age
with grace and power
creating little pockets
little seams for winter's snow to settle
before falling into fire's flickering light
to make a ritual
a spectacle of dancing crystal

under foot you feel the fertile earth
in motion on the shoulders of atlas
land shifting with heavy sighs
soft soil splitting into slivers
the sea spills in and fills the streams
full of creation

hanging clouds stretch out for miles overhead
blanketing the woods and blanketing you
and your eyes upturned searching for heaven
the dark stares back

then
a break, a crease
they open up the way you have
exposing the universe
exposing your universe
bare and powerful
full of creation

For Ema [ver 2]

pink fleshy lungs expanding with each
new breath, contracting with each visible exhalation
into the smoke filled atmosphere from ten thousand
years ago and from thousand other lungs
being born again
in ten thousand mighty pines

each log in the fire
burning for comfort or for laughs or for love
must split and crack
a persistent percussion playing off the pines
flames bringing warmth and sound to the
cold quiet forest

illuminating

towering furrowed pines
rough bark expanding with age
with grace and power
creating little pockets
little seams for winter's snow to settle
before falling into fire's flickering light
to make a ritual
a spectacle of dancing crystal

hanging clouds stretch out for miles blanketing
the earth and blanketing you
and your eyes upturned searching for heaven
the dark stares back

then
a sliver, a crease
they open up the way you have
exposing the universe
exposing your universe
bare and powerful
full of creation

For Ema [ver 1]

pink fleshy lungs expanding with each
new breath, each new moment
taking in the atmosphere from ten thousand
years ago and being born again

twisting furrowed cherry blossom trees
rough bark expanding with years
creating little pockets for winters snow to settle
then fall out in the sun's rays
to make a breath taking spectacle of dancing crystal

and each log in the fire
burning for food or for laughs or for love
must split and crack
a persistent percussion playing off the pines
flames bringing the warmth and sound to the
cold quiet forest

hanging clouds stretch out for miles blanketing
the earth and blanketing you
and your eyes upturned searching for heaven
they open up the way you have
exposing the universe
exposing your universe
bare and raw
full of creation

For Susan [ver 1]

his passionate lecture
about the impossible nature
of repetition
of pure repetition
of instantaneous repetition
and

and
and o f a st
of a stutter
the moment when language is true
ly alive

and of Helios and his march
He powers the sun
He at the end of the life cycle
when He makes it swell up and throb red
but dead on the inside
a masculine metaphor
a metaphor for masculinity

i (eye) w(o/a)nder
who else in this class knows How
e
these words are a present
in the present
for penetrating preset perceptions

Dream Journal 4

we are on a class field trip on a bus and stop at some building that is kind of like those team building activity exercise places. we all sit down in a circle and start listening to some live bands that are there. animal collective is there but they are all teenagers and noah lennox is a girl.

as they are playing the ahola twins walk through the show with their headphones on and loudly ask questions to one another about when something will arrive. i call them cunts and tell them to shut up but they dont hear me. they walk into a back room.

after the show is over and we go to leave we can't find the ahola twins. we go into the back room and it has been completely abandoned and i guess there use to be a drug factory of sorts in there just hours before. one of the teachers starts climbing through the heading ducts to find evidence of this but then the heat mysteriously turns on while he is in there. he scurries back to the hole in the pipes and falls down, on fire, on top of me.i hit him with my jacket to put out the flames. someone pours water over him.




later i am at dinner with whitney. we are at a really upscale place. she is telling me that i am too vulgar when i talk about other peoples relationships, that i shouldnt say they have sex or are getting some. she says i should say they go to bed together. after some resistance i agree to what she says. the check comes and it is a lot more than we expected for food neither of us really liked. we only come up with 150 of the 180 dollars that are due. whitney goes to take care of it

i wake up

An Observation 4

warm wet bodies squatting in the hall
bent over papers with the homeless eyes
of a mother watching a sick child

speaking in soft tongues
in hushed tones like pious monks
no

no
not like that
like

like sinners with rosary beads

An Observation 3

jogging on the treadmill
awkward sweat welding my shirt to my spine
and my developing breasts which i am fighting so hard
bounching beneath my shirt

i wonder if the five women in the room
think of me as i think they do
a moist pig with his tongue hanging out
small black eyes on their hard calves and fresh necks
the way produce looks in the supermarket when it gets
sprayed

i wonder if they can smell me from across the room

Dream Journal 3

emily brostrom was suddenly back in my life. i was in a small dorm room with 2 other roommates and we were the typical 'nerd' room. for some reason there was going to be a big party in our room so everyone started to get ready.

i continued you lie in bed and pulled the blankets over my face and pretended to be asleep. emily walked in the room and i think she knew i was faking. she laid down in the bed next to me and i turned on my stomach and buried my face in the pillow. she laid across my back and we talked about catching up.

she said that i should turn around and face her when we talk so i did and she laid on the side of me the way a couple would. i dont remember what we talked about but i think she kissed my neck.

later i am talking with my roommate about how weird it is and how i dont get her. jackson and i leave to go to a movie which is nearly sold out. we have to sit in seats that are way off the side and we have a very skewed view of the screen. i think we are watching Milk. i jokingly say we should save a seat for emily but i think i am serious.

that's all i remember

short story [ver 1]

He stood out in the cold, rocking from heel to toe in his worn out sneakers. His hands were pressed against his face as he blew hot air over them in hopes to restore feeling, though he mostly did this because it's what people did in movies when they stood out in the cold waiting.

He looked down at his shoes and noticed that the melting snow near his ankles had begun to creep up his blue jeans, staining them a darker hue. The air was starting to bite at his nose and ears, and little tears of impatience began to form in his eyes after a while but he couldn't leave. A flock of birds silently left a gnarled tree in the distance. This was longer than usual.

The door opened and she came striding out laughing with her head turned back towards the inside. He blinked away his frustration and smiled, as she drew near he could smell her, or at least half of her. She took out a cigarette and he took out his matchbook. She inhaled and looked at him, examining his hair before messing it up with her calloused fingertips. He instinctually pulled away before relenting. Exhaling her smoke he could smell all of her. He picked up her guitar case and they walked to the car. A trail of cigarette smoke and freezing carbon dioxide and biodiesal exhaust.

They drove to the dam, streetlights flowing their glow over the hood and windshield and disappearing into the rear headlight. She pulled up and parked the car in the spot overlooking the gates where the water cascaded down with a terrifying weight. She took out another cigarette and he took out another match.

you don't mind the smoke?

no, it's fine

when i was your age and my sister started to smoke i couldn't stand being in the car with her

oh, yeah, i'm fine with it.
i just like the smell

you've told me that already

sorry. are you nervous?

The sound of the falls churning up foam and the hush of the bending pines in the wind washed over the car and filled its cavity. She dropped her cigarette out the cracked open window.

let's go to the show

She pulled into the lot of a cafe. He grabbed her case and brought it inside. The place felt small and smelled like wet leather. She walked up to the stage and put the mic in front of her, he placed the case at her feet then moved back to find a seat. She began to sing and play. Her fingers moving softly up and down the neck.

and i'd love to see it but it's something you just feel
and i'd love to feel it but it just isn't real

He crossed his legs on his chair and folded his hands in front of him. He kept his eyes at her feet or on the sticky reflective table in front of him. His eyes moved up her jeans, up her loose flowing blouse, past her hanging hair. He met her eyes.

and god is whoever you're performing for
and god is whoever you perform for

He looked away, he didn't notice that she kept looking. He checked his phone and then pretended that he had to scratch the top of his head. Her fingers kept moving. He didn't look up again for the rest of the show. He clapped when she was done and so did the few other people who were there.

that was really good, like, really good

it sucked the mic kept fucking up and cutting out

i liked that you played the one about all the good poets being dead

yeah i was gonna play i'll be laughing but i didn't feel like retuning

oh alright

let's go

He picked up her guitar case and followed her out to the car. She started it up and they sat there for a while to let the heat start up. He clamped his legs together and made himself small to conserve heat. She took out a cigarette and started to drive. She kept it in her mouth until they parked at the dam again.

why did you look away?

what?

He looked up and noticed her cigarette and got out his matchbook, he messed up on the first stick.

during the first song you looked up at me then looked away right away

the lights were really bright

oh

He messed up on the second stick.

here give me those

She took the matchbook out of his hands and put them down in between their seats, still holding on to his hands. His body locked up. He kept his eyes on the matchbook. She put her hand on the back of his neck and her cold fingers send a shiver down his spine. She pulled him towards her and he could smell her. Her lips pushed against his before parting and sliding in her tongue. He shut his eyes tightly. He felt her hand on his thigh and then on his penis. He felt the heat rush his cheek and a cold sweat on his back. She undid his pants and moved them down his legs, she did the same. She was on top of him in the car seat and he was inside of her. He kept his eyes closed. He came.

The sound of the falls churning up foam and the hush of the bending pines in the wind washed over the car and filled its cavity. She moved off him and back into the driver's seat. She took out a cigarette and grabbed the matchbook. He opened the window so he couldn't smell her. His head rested against the taut seat belt, as if hung in a sling.

She drove them back, leaving a trail of smoke and freezing carbon dioxide and biodiesal exhaust.
She parked the car, looked at him, grabbed her guitar case and went inside. He walked back in the cold. He looked up at the moon, its glow amplified and its details clear through the cold winter's night air. He looked down at his hands as little tears fell and pooled in his palms.

In the distance a flock of birds silently left their barren branches.

Dream Journal 2

ema was secretly in love with me and she walked towards me dressed only in bed sheet. i could see her feet, ankles, legs, one shoulder, and her face. we just stared at each other for a long time and i think i turned her away despite my primal urges.

another dream i was in a room, i guess one of my classes for college. the class was over at 9:10 pm and my professor stayed with me after everyone had gone. i was waiting to catch a train to Pennsylvania but it didn't come for a few more hours. so we sat and talked and i put on the album The Crane Wife by The Decemberists. I think my professor was Thomas Sullivan or Tom Waits or someone older like that whom could be a grandfather figure in my life. he liked the album. while watching the clock mine was an hour ahead. paul called and i forget about what but i told him i would be home in 5 hours

while waiting i got a phone call from the abortion clinic that i had missed my scheduled meeting with them today for three abortions. i dont remember why i made the appointments, maybe for someone else since i was a man in the dream. maybe 3 other people or maybe for triplets, i forget.

i start to tell the man about a stupid television commercial i had seen where there is a lion on some raft floating down the river. the commercial was for a car and it was something like 'scare tactics' or 'scarily intimidating'. i dont know how it connected

then all of a sudden i am in the dream and i am swimming in the river. the lion hops off the raft and starts to chase me down. the old man and another man, maybe my dad, are with me now. they all swim ahead and the lion catches me and drags me out of the water with its teeth.

at some point in a dream i took a key off a dead man and opened a safe in his room. there was an alarm clock on top of the safe, and when i opened the safe i could see all the wires that powered the clock.

Dream Journal 1

i was lost on my bicycle trying to find my way home

some woman on a balcony had her cat stolen
she was being blackmailed and looked over the balcony and jumped
to save her cat

me and you were in the backseat of two teenagers who called the building
when the police all arrived, one of them had the keys to the building
after the cops went in they called and said that Bob Hart was the one who made her jump
this was a lie and Bob Hart was your estranged dad
i yelled at the end of the message that it was a lie
and we choked the two punks from behind until they passed out

we walked around for a while and now we were shirtless, some strange man i thought
was Bob Hart we ran into who was also shirtless, we talked
the two teen punks came out of the woodwork and the man
slit their throats while they just stood still
it was intense and unexpected, like maybe we had done the wrong thing
we started to walk back to Bob's house and the man scratched my back
like my grandfather would

we get there and it is deserted so we look around
the man tells us a story about how stubborn Bob Hart is
how he let a black poisonous frog get all over hes leg one time
and he got sick and bloody from it and couldnt
go to church with you
you were with me then, viewing the memory
you loved the dress you had on in the past

after this we left in fear of being on the wrong side of Bob Hart
and the 3 murders that had taken place, we say were going to my house
but we go to yours to trick them

we end up going to a friends house but we forget it is halloween
and everyone else is dressed up as terrifying monks
you say 'holy shit, we forgot' and the friends mother gets mad
or rather i think she gets mad at us for being vulgar
so we run away to my house

we run through the snow and you have bare legs and feet in flip flops
so i arch my back and stick my arms out and you jump on
and i carry you through the snow and up the hill
i slip and you fall but you laugh
the fall has exposed your stomach and now you have dark skin
i pull you up by grabbing your hand

i wake up

a dream [ver 3]

the tired peasant mother of a mother
calloused hands with grooves and furrows
small stepping feet float her to the field in adagio beat
with the surrounding sounds of natures sweet ring
her arms and aching back carry the acquired anamnesis of
two generations trapped in toiled labor

ostinato hoe turning earth and birthing it again
a ritual a funeral for rotted leaves and packed dirt
surfacing soft soil for the seasonal scatter
blessing burnt black sod with the sheen of the sea

finality fills her tired peasant eyes as the last seeds are sown
she will not collect the coming crop of Cancer
and weather the wintery wind's wicked blows
she gracefully floats to the rhythm of the coda

burial in the fall with the fallen leaves
the fuel for a future funeral of minerals and weeds
a wry smile unwilting across her wrinkled face
laid in the loam of an unknown reap

waking
my fertile head in your lap
soft sounds of sinatra surfing your sighs while
stacatto fingers linger and harrow my scalp
sifting up the syllables that sprout and swell
into impending verses and idolatry

sing o muse [ver 1]

language dripping easy off your tongue
like rain water running off the edges of a leaf
and i stand below
the dumb savage, the panting beast
cracked lips wide awaiting your moisture
on my primal tongue

instictual reactions of dilated pupils
and a rush of blood to blush
i am the apes gathered around the monolith and
i am the virgin with a glass of wine and
i am the cancer patient with a morphine injection
i am penetrated

a dream [ver 2]

the tired peasant mother of a mother
calloused hands with grooves and furrows
small stepping feet float her into the field
her arms and aching back carry the anamnesis of
two generations toiled in labor

hoe turning earth and birthing it again
a ritual a funeral for weeds and mined minerals
surfacing soft soil for the seasonal scatter
and blessing burnt black sod with the sheen of the sea

a feeling of finality fills her tired peasant eyes
as the last of the seeds are sown
unwilling to collect the coming crop of Cancer
and weather the wintery wind's wicked blows
she floats with sure-footed rhythm to the coda

burial in the fall with the fallen leaves
the fuel for a future funeral of minerals and weeds
a wry smile unwilting across her wrinkled face
laid in the loam of an unknown reap

waking
my fertile head in your lap
finessed fingers harrowing my scalp
sifting up the words that swell
into impending verses and idolatry

a dream [ver 1]

the tired peasant mother of a mother
calloused hands with grooves and furrows
small light feet float her into the field
her arms and back carry the memory of
two generations toiled in labor

hoe turning earth and birthing it again
an annual funeral for weeds and mined minerals
surfacing soft soil for the seasonal seeds
and blessing burnt brown sod with the sheen of the sea

feelings of finality fill her tired peasant eyes
as the last of the crops are sown
unwilling to collect the coming crop of Cancer
and weather the wintery blows of the wicked wind
she floats with sure footed rhythm
back to the wooden house that belongs to unfolding mothers

buried that fall with the fallen leaves
and the fuel for a future funeral
a wry smile unwilting across her wrinkled face
laid in the loam of an unknown reap

waking
my pregnant head in your lap
your fingers ploughing my hair
turning up the words to breathe life
into impending verses and idolatry